The Evolution of Bullying
Bullying is such a hot topic in the media and amongst celebrity talk shows. We see thousands of kids, who suffer from it long term, and sadly, some of them do the unthinkable, by taking their life to escape it.
My kid has had a run-in or two with an aggressive kid, but what really constitutes bullying?
Some parents I've talked to say, "Oh, kids are just mean. They're always going to be that way. It's part of growing up."
Now, I get that. I know we all have to go through dealing with our fair share of meanies. Even as adults, we still have those mean spirited types to deal with as bullies eventually grow up and infiltrate the upper academic scene and workplace. I've been employed by a bully or two, who made it their mission to make others feel bad about themselves.
A bully is someone, who doesn't care about other's feelings. They, out of insecurity, push those insecurities outward by taunting others. By taunting others, it makes them feel better about themselves.
My son is currently dealing with a child, that I've tried to coach my son through. How do you coach someone through another person?
Well, for starters if the communication lines are open between you and your child, you listen to what is going on daily in his/her life in regards to the bully - and help them learn to cope and coach them to speak up for themselves... to take a stand.
At first, it seemed harmless with this other kid at my child's school. This other ten-year-old was hot one day... or cold the next. My son would come home every week - either up or down depending on this other child's mood. Either he'd made my son's day bearable by being friendly or upset him by being cruel.
My answer to my child when seeing and hearing this go on for a long period of time:
"Kiddo, you can not get on that emotional rollercoaster. You need to value yourself more - than to look to someone else for approval. You're an amazing kid and a great friend to others. If this other kid valued you, as a true friend, he would not treat you this way. A true friend would be there for you, not keep you guessing."
With that advice, my kid learned to cope pretty quick.
Then once my kid stopped reacting to the emotional rollercoaster, this other child started name-calling. He told my child that he was 'weak', 'small', or 'tiny.'
Again, I coached my kid by telling him that he was none of those things, but on the contrary, he was big... in heart and spirit. And that only 'small' minded people called others names and made fun of them. I told him again... that a true friend wouldn't tear him down. I told him to tell this other child to stop the name-calling and go to the teacher.
Again, my kid learned to cope and it seemed to even out.
Then last week, I learned that this child teasingly said, "You're so small that I could put you in the hospital because I know taekwondo."
Okay. If the other behavior didn't cross the 'bully line'... this certainly did. Looking back, instead of trying to keep my kid centered and strong through it .. I should have called this other child's mother sooner. However, like other parents, I thought ... he's going to have to deal with a portion of this type of behavior as there will always be that kid, who gives others a hard time.
And no matter how old kids get... that kid is there causing trouble... stirring it up. I want my kid to get the balance that he can come to me if needed, knowing that I'll take care of it. I want my kid to fight his battles with the understanding that if it's too hard - I'm there to back him up.
Through this experience, I think he's learned that. He's learned what he can handle and when to come to me. Once I learned he was threatened (even if this kid swears it was a joke), I called in the calvary with the other child's parent and other faculty members. You see it doesn't matter if this kid was teasing... after the year my son had in dealing with the other issues .. my son didn't feel safe.
Thankfully, my child has other friends to spend time with... friends that lift him up. He's not letting this kid get to him anymore. I'm proud of how my kiddo handled this.
And it warmed my heart to hear at the end of all of this he told my mother, his nana, "I'm so glad I told my mom. Somehow, she always makes things better."
I love that rugrat. Parenting is a day-by-day adventure, and we don't always have the roadmap to success but at least my kid knows he has me to fall back on.
My kid has had a run-in or two with an aggressive kid, but what really constitutes bullying?
Some parents I've talked to say, "Oh, kids are just mean. They're always going to be that way. It's part of growing up."
Now, I get that. I know we all have to go through dealing with our fair share of meanies. Even as adults, we still have those mean spirited types to deal with as bullies eventually grow up and infiltrate the upper academic scene and workplace. I've been employed by a bully or two, who made it their mission to make others feel bad about themselves.
A bully is someone, who doesn't care about other's feelings. They, out of insecurity, push those insecurities outward by taunting others. By taunting others, it makes them feel better about themselves.
My son is currently dealing with a child, that I've tried to coach my son through. How do you coach someone through another person?
Well, for starters if the communication lines are open between you and your child, you listen to what is going on daily in his/her life in regards to the bully - and help them learn to cope and coach them to speak up for themselves... to take a stand.
At first, it seemed harmless with this other kid at my child's school. This other ten-year-old was hot one day... or cold the next. My son would come home every week - either up or down depending on this other child's mood. Either he'd made my son's day bearable by being friendly or upset him by being cruel.
My answer to my child when seeing and hearing this go on for a long period of time:
"Kiddo, you can not get on that emotional rollercoaster. You need to value yourself more - than to look to someone else for approval. You're an amazing kid and a great friend to others. If this other kid valued you, as a true friend, he would not treat you this way. A true friend would be there for you, not keep you guessing."
With that advice, my kid learned to cope pretty quick.
Then once my kid stopped reacting to the emotional rollercoaster, this other child started name-calling. He told my child that he was 'weak', 'small', or 'tiny.'
Again, I coached my kid by telling him that he was none of those things, but on the contrary, he was big... in heart and spirit. And that only 'small' minded people called others names and made fun of them. I told him again... that a true friend wouldn't tear him down. I told him to tell this other child to stop the name-calling and go to the teacher.
Again, my kid learned to cope and it seemed to even out.
Then last week, I learned that this child teasingly said, "You're so small that I could put you in the hospital because I know taekwondo."
Okay. If the other behavior didn't cross the 'bully line'... this certainly did. Looking back, instead of trying to keep my kid centered and strong through it .. I should have called this other child's mother sooner. However, like other parents, I thought ... he's going to have to deal with a portion of this type of behavior as there will always be that kid, who gives others a hard time.
And no matter how old kids get... that kid is there causing trouble... stirring it up. I want my kid to get the balance that he can come to me if needed, knowing that I'll take care of it. I want my kid to fight his battles with the understanding that if it's too hard - I'm there to back him up.
Through this experience, I think he's learned that. He's learned what he can handle and when to come to me. Once I learned he was threatened (even if this kid swears it was a joke), I called in the calvary with the other child's parent and other faculty members. You see it doesn't matter if this kid was teasing... after the year my son had in dealing with the other issues .. my son didn't feel safe.
Thankfully, my child has other friends to spend time with... friends that lift him up. He's not letting this kid get to him anymore. I'm proud of how my kiddo handled this.
And it warmed my heart to hear at the end of all of this he told my mother, his nana, "I'm so glad I told my mom. Somehow, she always makes things better."
I love that rugrat. Parenting is a day-by-day adventure, and we don't always have the roadmap to success but at least my kid knows he has me to fall back on.
Comments
It turns out there were a few other boys who had the same "bullies" as my son. Not only did it create safety in numbers, the boys are still close friends 4 years later, and continue to get together every few weeks.
Stay strong!