Tough Choices
So my son cried yesterday and today when I dropped him to VBS. I usually volunteer on Sunday's and Wednesday's for all the kid functions/activities and stay with him. He doesn't understand why mommy can't be with him this week. All the other mommies stay and teach, why can't I? I know that he's still only five and will cry from time to time, but I'm not used to it as he's usually pretty laid back.
Between that and having to spank him yesterday (in the doctor's waiting room--in front of six people), I feel like a bad mom. I tried saying no to him for his bad behavior, then I tried a time-out in the doctor's chair, and when it didn't work...I took him to the bathroom and lightly smacked his little bottom. To which he replied, OW, don't hit me, loud enough for all to hear in the waiting room. He did that on purpose for the benefit of the older ladies waiting in the office...yeah, that was fun. That's the first time I've had to deal with that.
I know it's not politically correct to spank, but I also think most people feel that spanking means beating. Let me clarify, I don't beat my child ever!
I spank him when no other forms of discipline work. And when I do it's never in anger to hurt. It's only enough to sting slightly - to get his attention. I don't usually have to resort to it, as time-out's do the trick. When I have to... a quick tap on the bottom works and the behavior stops.
Still though, having to deal with that in front of others was not the ideal situation. All these thoughts go through your head.
They're judging what kind of mother I am.
They're thinking--If I were her, I'd....(fill in the blank)
I can't believe she spanked him.
In reality...who knows if they were thinking anything at all, but when faced with that in public anyone normal will think those things. The thing is when it happens in a grocery store, I know to just pick him up and walk out to go home. The punishment is that his favorite treat is staying in the cart, that I've left in the aisle. That's a horrible idea for a young child. Heaven forbid you leave the Rice Krispy Treats behind! So I involve him in shopping, and we don't have behavior issues.
For the most part, he's so good that we never have behavior issues. My kid is a dream in that department, but lately he's been getting more aggressive and hyperactive. I keep wondering where it's coming from, but I've been told it's just a little boy thing and not to worry.
So let me ask you...if you were faced with that at the doctors office, where you can't just pick him up and leave...we needed to stay to be seen for a reason...what would you do?
Between that and having to spank him yesterday (in the doctor's waiting room--in front of six people), I feel like a bad mom. I tried saying no to him for his bad behavior, then I tried a time-out in the doctor's chair, and when it didn't work...I took him to the bathroom and lightly smacked his little bottom. To which he replied, OW, don't hit me, loud enough for all to hear in the waiting room. He did that on purpose for the benefit of the older ladies waiting in the office...yeah, that was fun. That's the first time I've had to deal with that.
I know it's not politically correct to spank, but I also think most people feel that spanking means beating. Let me clarify, I don't beat my child ever!
I spank him when no other forms of discipline work. And when I do it's never in anger to hurt. It's only enough to sting slightly - to get his attention. I don't usually have to resort to it, as time-out's do the trick. When I have to... a quick tap on the bottom works and the behavior stops.
Still though, having to deal with that in front of others was not the ideal situation. All these thoughts go through your head.
They're judging what kind of mother I am.
They're thinking--If I were her, I'd....(fill in the blank)
I can't believe she spanked him.
In reality...who knows if they were thinking anything at all, but when faced with that in public anyone normal will think those things. The thing is when it happens in a grocery store, I know to just pick him up and walk out to go home. The punishment is that his favorite treat is staying in the cart, that I've left in the aisle. That's a horrible idea for a young child. Heaven forbid you leave the Rice Krispy Treats behind! So I involve him in shopping, and we don't have behavior issues.
For the most part, he's so good that we never have behavior issues. My kid is a dream in that department, but lately he's been getting more aggressive and hyperactive. I keep wondering where it's coming from, but I've been told it's just a little boy thing and not to worry.
So let me ask you...if you were faced with that at the doctors office, where you can't just pick him up and leave...we needed to stay to be seen for a reason...what would you do?
Comments
Don't feel so bad.
I have generally tried to stay away from spanking, and found that it didn't really have the effect I wanted on my daughter. I'm not 100% against it, and think it can help. But just didn't really for me.
At what age do you think you'll stop spanking? I was thinking, depending on the maturity of the child, 5 or 6 is about when I would stop.
Personally, I think the parents that say in a really high voice - "Will you please do this,?" Susie, I asked you nicely to go and do this"?
Somone once said to me, You don't ask children questions, you tell them what you want.
Instead say, Please do this for be Susie -- see you you eliminated the question?
Here is another example I witnessed live.
"Emily, do you want to stay and swim with the boys or do you want to go home with daddy?" (dad came to pick up the child)
Emily wants to stay and swim with the boys.
Mom doesn't want emily, pretty soon the mom is getting mad, Emily is wining and kicking because Emily got a choice and she made the wrong choice. A choice that mom didn't want.
Emily left crying and kicking. Mom was stressed.
The kids that are asked the question are going to be really messed up.
Asking them do they want to wear the red shirt or blue shirt is good. You're giving them the freedom to choose and teaching them to make up their own minds, but asking them....Is it okay if we run errands now....is not a good idea. It gives them the upper-hand when it's the parents schedule that must be kept in that instance. What should be said it...get ready to go, because we're leaving in 10 minutes to run errands. It gives them time to sort it out, finish what they're doing, and know what to expect from you.
Sue--to answer you. Yeah it did suck. Thankfully for me I've not had to spank him much EVER let alone worry about a cut off age. I think his behavior is just a phase that the time-outs haven't been able to handle. I don't see many times in the future where I'll need to result to spanking, but if I do I don't see it being past 5 year old. When at home, we don't need to result to it because I take his toys away from him and calling it 'grounding him from his toys'. That does the trick for us. It sends the message: When you misbehave, you don't get rewarded for your behavior...you get your rewards taken away.
BUT when in public, where there are no toys to relinquish or charts to wipe off stars, as we keep a chart system in the house too....when a time out didn't work...spanking was my last effort. I don't want to have to be in that situation again, and am blessed to have not been in that situation so far as he's 5 years old. Most parents have problems way before then...I'm fortunate not to have to dealt with that already.
we were having a conversation last night and he said, "mommy you know when you spanked me, it didn't hurt," and he giggled. I replied, "I know, I wasn't spanking to hurt you son. Good mommies don't spank to cause pain. I would never hurt you. I spanked you to get your attention and it was light to keep you from getting hurt, but firm enough to get your attention."
He nodded and said,"You're right cuz it didn't hurt but I noticed it."
My mom pointed out that I was giving him to big of choices, when my son was younger and as you stated - the shirt is a perfect example of a choice.
I agree, giving them to much of a choice is giving the child the upper hand.
A friend of mine has a husband that was pretty high up in the coporate world at Harley. These young college graduates are coming in with their "degrees", but they can not do the job unless they are given a "to do" list. Life's lessons are more valuable for our children, than giving them choices to feel good.
Yesterday, my little scout was setting the table for dinner - outside. I asked him to take the napkin holder, straighten out the napkins for me and set it outside. I stated that the bar will hold the napkins and stop them from blowing away. I was going to add, that he should straighten them in the house, so they wouldn't blow away but he cut me off and said he knew and didn't need me to tell him.
While cleaning the bathroom, he comes in with a big pile of napkins. They all blew away on him and scattered across the yard. He picked them up and thought he was in trouble for wasting.
Lesson learned, maybe let someone finsh speaking AND/OR think that if it is windy, and I said the bar will hold them down - they will still blow away while you are outside working with them.
Next time, I bet he will think for himself. :)
Soft scrub is harmless and after about 8 tiles, I haven't had to do it in years. I keep looking at my floor going... darn!